Stacey Mollus is a humor columnist who believes laughter is the best form of exercise. She is a gardening diva who hates worms, but loves to get her fingers in the dirt. Besides gardening, she loves her family, chocolate and clothes that are stretchy. You can find her personal blog site at "queenofchocolates.com ", and tweets at “queenchocolates”.
 

Recent Blog Posts

Aug 25
The Arch Enemy of the Green Bean  

Jul 11
Time to Hit the Sales  

Jun 05
Mother Nature Needs Prozac  

Apr 30
Please Don’t Eat the Tulips!  

Apr 03
Berries are bursting!  

Mar 17
Overcoming a Gardening Challenge- living with a spunky golden retriever!   (2 comments)

Jun 22
Teeny Tomato Plants, But Lots of Fruit!  

Jun 01
Mowing Rookie  

 

 

Categories
 

A Sneak Attack
by Stacey Mollus - posted 07/11/11

Doing a little yard work yesterday, and apparently the wasps did not like our methods. To let us know their displeasure, they sent the meanest, fattest wasp to dive bomb my husband.

The buzzy bugger didn’t take the time to “land and sting,” instead he did a drive-by stinging. Because it was such a quick, sneak attack, he lost a lot of accuracy and didn’t leave a stinger attached to his victim, but he still managed to inject his evil “wasp juice.”

Immediately, my hubby’s arm was stinging and itching. We got him an antihistamine tablet and a cold cloth to try and lessen the effects. Now, if it had been me, I would have needed a few moments to sit down and cry like a baby, kick my heels and beat the ground, then get a fly swatter and go defend my honor. But not my husband.

Cut from the same cloth as John Wayne, he went back to mowing, his arm red and puffy, looking like a lemon had been shoved under the skin.

I went back inside, but my concerns about a possible allergic reaction kept me heading to the window to look out and check on him, making sure we didn’t “have a man down.”

I just kept thinking I was going to look out and see my man on the riding lawn mower, his head suddenly swelling so much, it caused the baseball cap he was wearing to pop off and shoot straight up in the air.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to call the paramedics and explain how my husband’s cap ended up in the neighbor’s yard and even after the stinging, we managed to get our tomatoes re-staked and watered. I guess, all-in-all, it was a good day in the garden. But then, I am not the one with an itchy, red welt on my forearm!  

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Any Recipes for “Cucumb-inni’s?
by Stacey Mollus - posted 07/05/11

Finally, I am reaping what I sewed. No seriously. I literally sewed cucumbers and I reaped cucumbers. I know this seem like and obvious thing to most of you, but last year I had a “cucumber catastrophe” and I learned that reaping and sewing is not always a guarantee.  

 My mistake last season was location, location, LOCATION! When I began planting, I plotted the land and decided to plant my cucumbers next to the zucchini, because they looked so much alike. I my head, if they looked similar, they would obviously get along well.

 Well, those little stinkers got along a little too well and they cross-pollinated! I ended up with basketfuls of “cucumb-inni’s”- a perfect blend of cucumber and zucchini.

 All of the "pollen sharing", confused not only the cucumbers, but the zucchini as well. The zucchini were more rounded on the ends than normal, but they tasted wonderful. Very zucchini-like, except juicer and with a bit more crunch.

 But unlike the zucchini, the cucumbers were just odd. They had stripes and ridges on the outside, unbecoming to a cucumber, and on the inside they were pithy and dry. They had a bad case of the “blahs” and were flavorless, as if little garden gnomes had come in the night with tiny syringes and sucked all the goodness from them.

 I tried to use them in salads, but the texture was weird, so I tried to pickle them. That made them tough and the skin was like cucumber jerkey. I even thought if they were that much like a zucchini, then I should make them into cucumb-inni bread. Big mistake! 

 So after a summer of very confused vegetables, I ended up with store bought cucumbers and oddly refreshing zucchini.

 Refusing to repeat my mistake this year, I researched before planting and found out who my cucumbers would like to live next too, yet not be tempted to share pollen with. I must have chosen wisely because look what I just chopped up! The tastiest cucumbers I have ever grown.

 

 

This is very important to me because cucumbers are my favorite fresh veggie. When I cut it up, I put a slice in the bowl, then cut another slice and put it in my mouth. Cut another for the bowl, then another for me. (Quality control at its finest!)

Those slices of homegrown goodness are bathing in a bowl of vinegar-and-sugar right now, waiting to be presented to my family for supper.

 

I am just so relieved that the plants behaved themselves this year and kept their pollen to themselves. I can’t even imagine what I would do with a harvest of “Brussels-umbers”!  

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Welcome, New Friends!
by Stacey Mollus - posted 06/26/11

Welcome to my blog! It is nice of you to stop by. Before we get started, let me tell you a little about myself.

First- This blog site is named after me, the official, "Queen of Chocolates". I earned the title after many years of consuming copious amounts of the cocoa-based confection known as, chocolate. Every day, I ingest chocolate in some shape or form and I always carry some with me, in case of emergency. You would be hard pressed to find anyone that loved the "brown candy goodness" more than me. 

Second-- I am a self-taught gardener. I spent years, killing everything green I ever tried to grow. One day, I gave up and headed over to the local garden center and begged them to hire me, and they did. For the last ten years, they have taught me everything from "plant the sod, green side up", to "don't lick the cactus". I can honestly say, that practical approach really worked for me and now I have the best landscape in the neighborhood. (And, don't even get me started about my "indoor garden".  I have so many house plants, there are times my living room looks like the Amazon Rainforest, minus the spider monkeys!)

Third- I believe, happy people are the best looking people. As a humor columnist, I feel it is my duty to go about the world, spreading joy in hopes of making people more beautiful. My warped, I mean, unique perspective may give my posts a little different flair than you are used to seeing in a gardening blog. Some of my posts will be informative, and some will just be downright goofy, but I promise to post regularly. Please feel free to comment, make suggestions and share your story. I love feedback!

And, fourth- I have a real knack for using punctuation, improperly. 

So now that you know a bit about me, let's get started on our journey. I do have one important thing I must do first, and it pertains to the lousy little, sugar ants that have taken over my kitchen floor. Also known as pavement ants, picnic ants or creepy-little-buggers-that-get-everywhere-and-make-you-want-to-scream, (OK, I just made that last one up), they are out in full force. I tried the humane approach of sprinkling cayenne pepper around my doorways to run them off, but I think they liked it. As a matter of fact, I swear I saw one of them wearing a sombrero and carrying maracas!

Since that didn't work, I have come up with a new plan. It includes some tap shoes and a jazz CD. Those little suckers had better get ready, because I'm gonna crank up the music and do a soft shoe routing that will rock their world!  Not being a naturally-gifted dancer, this should get interesting. Wish me luck!

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